Lost Battles

My fingers wrap themselves around the cold glass

I’m always searching for warmth in icy places

Effortlessly, I smile at her; she buys it

I have perfected the art of selling happiness

I stare down at my glass

Past the whiskey into my thoughts to bring it up to my lips

I realize I’m not scared anymore

I do not turn up my nose in disdain

I pray it hurts, I pray it burns

I close my eyes

Willing myself to drown in the music

I see all the little pieces they stole from me

And all the ones I gave away after that

Hoping to find solace on rock bottom

He leans into my ear and unforgettably whispers,

“Not today my dear

I need to build you up first

Put the world on your feet

Till you feel everything is within your grasp

And when your laughter is no longer laced with pain

When you are certain of your next breath

When you are snug in the light

And I become but a distant memory

I will meticulously drag you back inch by inch

I will break your spirit piece by piece

And leave enough of you to keep you believing

Howbeit this is not a fairy tale

There are no happy endings where we are going”

“You are so quiet tonight,” my friend shouts over the music

The sweet traitor running in my veins dares me to speak

I open my eyes, he is by her side, but she does not see him

“Careful,” he says to her with his devilish eyes transfixed on me, “once you push that button, there’s no going back

This will end in two ways

The tragic loss of your sanity or the catastrophic diminution of my reality. You still want to know me? Bring a light, before my darkness swallows you whole.”

I stare at her wordlessly

You too would be quiet if you knew where I am going

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